2014 has certainly been a roller coaster of events. The most recent changes to my life have left me searching for what I should do next. I feel like I am permanently wandering down a never ending, dark and dreary road, alone, to what I hope is an end where there’s sun and warmth, and happiness. Most of the time I am uncertain if I will ever get just a wee bit of luck or even a break in what seems to be the never ending bs I find myself encountering. Perhaps I seek it out, I don’t feel that I do and I wouldn’t understand why anyone would want to be in a permanent state of carnage, but the world works in mysterious ways. Perhaps I am a magnet for BS or a certain type of people who ultimately hurt me. Or maybe, which is the maybe I feel is most likely, is that I tend to see the good in people, for as long as possible, despite being warned or having pretty extensive evidence that said individuals are not what they seem. Or I want so badly to be a good friend, to be a support system, make a difference or just be there for someone, that I will overlook all the negatives. I will continue to see the good, I will continue to fight because I hold on to the little inkling of positiveness that I have for that person, only to later have it all blow up in my face. I am a silly girl. The funniest thing is that if this is true, why do I see it in others but not myself?
Many people I’ve talked to briefly over the past few days have suggested that I have a lot of great, positive things going on in my life right now. And it’s true, I sure do. I have finally achieved a position as a Personal Trainer and am loving every minute of it. I have a beautiful, healthy, little girl who is most likely my biggest fan. We now have 5, yes that’s F-I-V-E cats, and they make me happy. And there’s plenty more of course, but nothing that stands out to me as it does to others.
However, I’m tired.
I’m just plain tired.
I’m tired of working so hard to get to a place where I really feel I should be, only to have it all taken away from me in an instant. I seem to give a lot more than I take, or even want to take for that matter. I seem to acquire people in my life who I trust completely, have no reason not to trust them, only to have them absolutely dismantle me in the end. Isn’t there a quota on the amount of crappy people one can allow into their life and be burned by them? Don’t get me wrong, i have A LOT of amazing people in my life and I am truly grateful for them. Yet again, it’s seeing the glass half empty versus half full. Times like these past few months really, really get me down. I’m tired.
Contemplating the future is extremely stressful and depressing to me. Endless job searching, money managing, trying to decide what to train for next year or what I can train for, having to sell bikes….being an adult….really sucks sometimes. Contemplating karma. I mean do liars ever get ‘punished’ for lying? Do selfish people ever come to realize their behavior and how it affects others’ lives? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO CATCH THE SLIGHTEST BREAK?
Let me define break here too…I don’t want a hand out, sympathy, or things to be easy, I don’t operate well under those circumstances, but just a little bit of less stress, less fighting, less something and more of something else….I don’t know. I firmly believe hard work pays off-yet I want that pay off, even if it’s just small, to be more immediate than not.
EHFAR….Everything Happens For A Reason! I firmly believe this, but what…..
My life, my story, it’s not remotely bad as some, that’s for sure. But it sucks. SUCKS!
I am hoping 2015 is my year. I’m hoping that I get just a wee bit of luck on my side so that I can push forward and get to where I want to be. I have 4 days to get my sh1t together and figure out where that is exactly, form a plan so that no one, NO ONE, can throw me off the tracks again, and get outta this rut. In this case, enough is enough.
Disclaimer: My apologies for the Negative Nancy post….I promise, more positive ones are to come. Sometimes, ya just have to be a Negative Nancy and get it out of your system to start feeling more Postitive Polly, or Patty, or Pamela…whom ever you wanna be. 🙂 Onward and upward….