When there’s no way to make the pain go away, what do you do?
When you keep trying and fighting with no success…what do you do?
When you have no one, where do you go?
Where are the answers when you need them? Where are the people you rely on the most when you need them? Why is everything so damn hard? Why should I keep fighting?
As I type this, these are all the things I think about. As I drove home tonight, my mind was going a 100 miles per hour. Racing through all sorts of thoughts. Wondering why, wondering why me, wondering when does it ever stop!!! An answer never came to me. No that’s not true, a logical answer never came to me. Answers suggesting I just give up, I quite trying, I resolve to be whatever it is that I’m supposed to be as a failure.
I was told by my very close friend, who’s basically my sister, that every day I need to remind myself that I am good enough. I’ve tried that. I’ve told myself that even driving home tonight and yet I do not believe it for one second. I’m damaged. I’m no good. I’m too caught up in whatever my life has thrown at me to be “good enough”. I wouldn’t necessarily say “caught up in” I’d say, I’ve resorted to the facts and the fact is that I am NOT good enough. I never will be, I never have been, and it’s not fair. I try so hard, I work my ass off, and yet, no matter what I do, I never get ahead, in life, in love, in anything it seems.
I believe this quote is from the move “The Mexican” with Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt, it goes, “when is enough enough?” The two converse and we come to Brad Pitt’s conclusion that the answer is NEVER. But there is finality in quitting. Giving up. You have control over the situation. You’ve decided that no more is the best case scenario. That you’ve given what you can and at the end of the day you cannot give any more. The quote is really about love and I’m not even going to go into specifics on that because shit just gets weird then. I feel, even if you love someone, or if you care for someone, that there’s a limit on the try. There’s only so much try one may have in them before they can’t try anymore. That’s me. I am all out of try. For so many things anymore. It’s exhausting being the one busing butt and trying at all costs. I’ve sacrified A LOT in recent days and have received minimal in return. In so many aspects of life. I’m just tired and exhausted from all the try.
So I leave you with this reader; Although my motto is never give up, despite having those words engrained into my flesh on my right arm, I am not longer a supporter of “never giving up.” Never is a long ass time. I have reached the point to where I have run out of the fight and will settle for the best I can get. Shit, even if it’s not the best, it’s going to be the only thing I will end up with, ever.
Here’s a few concepts I post in support of my mood, my heartache, and this thinking, despite being irrational I’m sure, on the rest of my life. Enjoy.
From The Mexican:
Leroy: I have to ask you a question… and it’s an important one so, I want you to think about the answer before you give it to me. Okay?
Leroy: When two people love each other – Really… Love each other – but they just can’t get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?
Samantha: [mouth agape, stunned look, realizing he’s talking about her] Tha?… oh, well… that’s… you know… um… you know it’s Over when… okay, I have, like, these psychosomatic, insomniac manifestations of… uh, well here’s the thing about me: I’m a product of my emotions, versus being a product of my environment, like HIM, which he is, exactly, just THAT, environmental… uh uh I need sunshine to grow; that’s who I am, and uh with the projection of the… I have goals
[pause, smiles, nods to indicate she’s done]
Leroy: That’s your answer?
Leroy: That’s not right. I mean, there’s a right answer here, but that’s not it
Samantha: [exhales sharply]
Leroy: Look, in my business you’re surrounded by loneliness, and finality. Now I don’t care what your take is on an afterlife, when people die, it’s scary. And they go alone. Now the people that I send off, that have experienced love, they’re a little less scared. I mean they’re still scared, but there’s… a calmness to ’em, and I think that comes from the knowledge that somebody, somewhere loved ’em, and cared for ’em, and will miss ’em. Now I see that from time to time, and I am awed by it. I don’t think I’d be telling you any of this if it wasn’t for Frank. Anyway, it’s a loaded question. Look, when two people love each other – Totally, TRUTHfully, all the way Love each other – the answer to that question is simple, especially in your case. When do you get to that point where enough is enough? Never… Never
From David Gray:
“Say Hello Wave Goodbye”
Standing at the door of the pink Flamingo crying in the rain,
It was a kind of so-so love and I’m gonna make sure it doesn’t happen again,
You and I had to be the standing joke of the year,
You were a run around, a lost and found, and not for me I feel
Take your hands off me, hey,
I don’t belong to you, you see,
And take a look in my face, for the last time,
I never knew you, you never knew me,
Say hello goodbye,
Say hello and wave goodbye,
We tried to make it work, you in a cocktail skirt and me in a suit but it just wasn’t me,
You’re used to wearing less, and now your life’s a mess, so insecure you see,
I put up with all the scenes, this is one scene that’s going to be played my way
Say hello and wave goodbye
Under the deep red light I can see the make-up sliding down,
Well hey little girl you will always make up so take off that unbecoming frown,
As for me, well I’ll find someone who’s not going cheap in the sales,
A nice little housewife who’ll give me a steady life and not keep going
off the rails,
Say hello and wave goodbye [repeat]